feb. 7

3:52 am: nearly a week since i last updated, and to be honest it would have probably surpassed a week if i hadn't decided to write an entry on a whim. i completely lost motivation to fix anything around here. not very surprising honestly. the short, abnormal burst of energy i get is always an indication that i'll putter out just days afterwards. my sleep schedule got messed up too, and i'm not sure if it's the reason why i'm feeling this way, but it's much too late to change anything.

i feel like i've gotten stressed out from just thinking about neocities. which is fucking stupid considering the fact that nobody's forcing me to do anything. nobody is telling me that it has to look one way or another, other than myself. no matter what, i always end up giving myself pointless, unrealistic expectations.

neocities was supposed to be a creative outlet but it turned into some kind of mind game of how perfect can you make this? i tried to go back to art and writing but it's no better than when i decided to stop. all i do is try something out and freak out when it doesn't go the way i want it to. if i comes out decent i feel like i need to do even better. do even more. i don't have the patience to be consistent with something and actually improve that skill and yet i want fast results.

i want to talk about these feelings but it's difficult because i hardly understand them. why do they keep coming back? why are they worse when i'm left by myself? but most of all i want to know how i can get rid of them. i'm tired of feeling like i'm not enough and i'm tired of hearing myself say all these awful things in my mind.

i don't think there's any real meaning for why we're alive on this planet. but having a passion or having a goal gives you a purpose. so essentially, you make a purpose for yourself. and i like to think about this little motto: "life is meaningless. so live." i think it's a great quote, but the problem is that i can't find a goal that's really worth living for.

jan. 27

10:17 am: went to bed at 3 am, surprisingly woke up before 10 am. i'm a little disappointed that i fell asleep so late since i've been attempting to fix my sleep schedule. i stayed up trying to finish a few pages with this new layout, and honestly i'd forgotten the feeling of being excited to keep working on my site. felt really nice.

i got around to finishing shoulder-a-coffin kuro at around 1 am, it was amazing. the last few chapters brought me close to tears but i managed to keep it under control. truly a fun read. it's been a while since i'd enjoyed a manga with such wonderful worldbuilding and character development. thank you, kiyuzuki-sensei.

i have two exams left in microbio, and i'm so relieved. it took me three months to get this far for whatever reason, but i'm finally at the end with an a- or so. i'll probably take a&p next.

12:57 am: took my last two exams, finally done with microbio!! i've managed to get an a- in this class, feeling happy with myself. gonna have to register for a&p next week, i'll try to laze around while i can.

4:39 pm: the effects from staying up last night are starting to catch up to me.. i'm exhausted. but if i decide to sleep now i'll be awake the whole night. earlier in the car i listened to after 5 clash, the outro is beautiful. to me it feels like kadomatsu's performance is drawing to a close in the middle of a festival.

9:10 pm: i keep making the assumption that i'm ok just because i stop feeling bad for a little while. but i'm always wrong. i feel awful and i don't want this to continue.

jan. 5

haven't updated the site in a week, been pretty busy with microbio and whatnot. i'm halfway done with the course, and hopefully then i'll have more time to work on the site, though i've been feeling unmotivated to really do anything to be honest.

i came up with a semi-decent story idea but it's been hard trying to plan out the outcome. i've always hated planning my writing but i think it's best that i do so this time so it doesn't end up having a crappy plot. and there's also the issue of coming up with character designs.. i guess i'll cross that bridge when i get to it.

i decided recently that i would learn japanese. i've been trying to choose between korean and japanese but i feel like it'd be in my best interest to learn japanese because i've been interested in visiting japan (and possibly applying for a visa, who knows). the only problem i would have regarding learning is dedication and consistency. i've already mentioned my problem with staying consistent with things a few times, but when i start doing something it's like i have tunnel vision, only ever thinking about that task and keeping to it, until i start suffering burnout and become disinterested. i need to figure out when to take breaks while studying so i don't just stop learning.

i've made strides in improving my sleep schedule, which i think has been helping with my mood. usually i'm in bed by 10/11 pm, and my alarm wakes me up at 6:30 am. today i woke up at 7 because i forgot to turn my phone on, but then i went to lay down with angel and got up at 10..