december 15


took an exam for microbio yesterday, got a 95. raised my average up to a b-, which i'm very happy about. (my small victory just ended after i found out it was a b minus instead of just a b.) it seems that my attempts to try harder have been fruitless. or maybe i'm just feeling like a burden again? it's hard to sort these feelings out when they all seem to have the same effect on me as time goes on.

i might've mentioned the time passing by quickly in earlier entries, but i never mentioned just how much time makes me uncomfortable. with each passing day i'm reminded that i still haven't progressd much academically, and my mindset is still the same. i'm still nihilistic, and i'm still apathetic towards others. yet i try to attain unrealistic standards in order to please myself and people who probably don't care for me. it's been a whole year since we moved to this house.

one year has passed, and yet nothing has changed about me. nothing at all. and that really scares me to be honest. is it going to be like this forever? and it's not just that time is moving quickly and i haven't caught up with it. it's that time is moving quickly and there are times when i don't notice. sometimes i'll come across a comment that i wrote somewhere and see the timestamp from a yeat ago. and it honestly catches me off guard, mainly because i remember writing the comment and it felt like it was just yesterday. but also because it feels like the comment i made is coming from a different person. was i truly a different person a year ago? or was i still putting on a mask and pretending to be stable?

i can't tell which it is, because i don't even really know anything about myself. i could tell you my favorite color or what i like to eat, but even those aren't true answers (thanks in part to my indecisive nature). just when i think i could settle down with some interests my mind switches track again and tells me that it's time to pick something new up, i'm bored with things i found exciting not too long ago, so i find myself doubting my decision to try a new interest. "is this really what you want to do? are you sure?" and then the cycle begins again. it's a little hard writing about this since all the words i want to say disappear when i really start thinking about it.