7:19 am last entry in this layout. didn't sleep all night. busy coding my new layout basically from scratch. this is always how it starts. i get excited, make a new layout, pump out 'content' or whatever i do on here, and then my energy is completely sapped. there's nothing left in the reserve, so then i end up drained and in a state of mental disarray for months. can't wait for me to finish updating the pages and then disappear right after saying "i'll be back tomorrow."
4:25 am my chest feels a bit tight, i still don't feel okay to be honest, but he is next to me now so i feel like i can worry a little less. he used to be so small. so fascinating to see how a small thing like that is this lanky ball of energy now. when this song is over i think i'll sleep.
3:22 am this is pure incoherency. there's a flurry of memories and thoughts that are bubbling at the surface of my consciousness. i cannot sleep, there is little i can do besides whine into the far corners of the interwebs. i am trapped in this maze, and you cannot escape the maze you live in.
there was a time that i liked to write. i was often praised in class for writing screenplays and stories (of course i did not accept any of this praise, have never really felt deserving) but i did like to write in earnest. when i could come up with ideas i loved adding strings of text, imagining the dialogue between characters, within characters. i miss writing. but i don't know how to go back to that.
things will be better in the morning. i wish this feeling wouldn't keep coming back. my right arrow keyboard key was hanging off its hinges like a loose tooth. i already replaced so many keys on this laptop but it just keeps acting up in different ways. looks like it's finally reaching its expiration date.
3:01 am the waterworks has started. sometimes i think being sentient as a human being is pointless. we are a destructive species, and i feel that our consciousness is to blame. i was about to start writing about it but i forgot what i wanted to say again. i imagined the sentences broke apart, transformed into birds and flew off into the distance. funny little image. i'm not really making sense at this point.
2:43 am can't sleep. i was thinking about myself. there was a specific word i was using, can't remember it now. i used to be called a party pooper a lot in elementary school. it was true, i couldn't help but say what i believed was the truth. some people didn't want to hear what i was saying. i don't remember much about those times. i don't really want to. i remembered the word: insufferable. lately, i feel that i've become insufferable to those around me, including myself. actually, i've always found it hard to tolerate my own thoughts and actions. beating myself up for every mistake, every conversation. bringing up things that happened in the past. i cannot change what has already happened. i cannot undo the disappointment i've brought to people who care about me. i will have to carry those memories and that guilt with me, even if they do not remember.
i found a new citypop song to listen to. "lucky lady feel so good" by toshiki kadomatsu. it became an instant favorite for me when i discovered it yesterday underneath "is it true" by yoko oginome. maybe i'm being dramatic, but citypop keeps me alive. can't imagine being six feet under and unable to hear synth progressions and saxophones. when my time is up, i'll go. for now, records.
1:35 pm I came across someone's blog post on their ED and exited quickly. Even though I'm not triggered by such content I am a bit wary about it because of my poor mindset. I feel like I'm dancing on the outskirts of an ED a lot of the time, especially with my habit of self-induced vomiting after overeating. I don't really care that much about my weight, but I do sometimes get upset if I go over a certain number on the scale. And I find myself eating when I'm bored and need something to do. I know I should stop but I just shrug it off and just say, "oh, I have a fast metabolism. It's fine." And then I continue on with the eating and worrying. I don't really have a healthy relationship with food in general.
I should really be more serious with my microbio class but honestly I can't bring myself to care about it much. I don't really want to think about it. I'm considering getting a degree in Computer Science, I think I'd really like it. I told Mom about it and she said it'd be fine to do it after the nursing program. I have another two years before the nursing program, but with the way time is moving it won't be long before I'm already enrolled. I can't believe 2020 is almost over. I'm glad, but at the same time I'm scared. It's evident that time is moving quickly, but is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? Each day by itself is slow and drawn out, but when you turn and look back you begin to realize that time does indeed move fast and if you don't adapt you'll be left in the dust.
Besides time moving quickly, I'm worried about my future career. I'm not particularly good with time management or being productive, so how am I going to be a nurse? I can't see myself doing that. I guess when I get there, I'll see.
1:50 pm I've been adding a lot of pages but I can feel myself burning out again. Hard to choose between a simple, easy-to-navigate layout and a complex individualistic layout. Lately, updating has begun to feel like a chore rather than a passion, and I should probably take some time off working this site, since I also need to study for microbio.. I bombed my last exam. Thank god it's self-paced for the most part, otherwise I'd be much more distressed.
The blog layout is so difficult to deal with, I have to manually copy two whole ass div elements and then write up a new post which I find really annoying. I think my next layout might take inspiration from mimasroom.com, I love Perfect Blue and I found it cool that this site actually existed on the internet. (Thanks GKIDS for making this a thing)
I've been worrying over my art a lot lately, but then I rediscovered 'Yotsuba!' and I felt I didn't have to worry about making art that impresses. This series was one of my first and favorite manga series as a kid. The art is simple but each characters' personalities really shine through in their character designs and various expressions. In fact, the simplicity of the art makes it especially endearing, and clearly not just to me since the series has been nominated for and won various awards.
Time unknown. Didn't realize DST was supposed to happen. I was so confused when the time went back an hour earlier today. I was wondering why it was suddenly 1 AM all over again; I decided that it was time to sleep because I figured the sleep deprivation from the previous nights was finally getting to me.
I felt like writing today but again, whenever I get down to typing it all just fades away. Maybe I should take up writing my thoughts by hand again. And maybe I'll try to draw as well. Sketching, for me, is hard. Whenever I open up my sketchbook, the blank pages feel intimidating, and it makes me feel like whatever I draw has to be presentable despite just being a simple pencil sketch. I start thinking, well, I'm taking up space on the page to draw, it should at least look good, right? There's also this longing I get when I see other people's artwork. Not at all envious, but just wishing I had an ounce of talent to be able to draw at all. This sketchbook that Angel got for me during the summer has barely been touched because of that mindset. And I know I can't improve if I can't even bring myself to draw.
This will probably going into my rambling section if I ever finish it, but earlier today I was thinking about myself and biculturalism. I grew up with two cultures, my home culture and the surrounding culture. One valued traditionalism and family, the other valued modernism, independence and freedom. The two clash quite often, and so I grew up with differing opinions of things. I wonder if this has also made me a close-minded person?
12:45 am Finally found some words for that nostalgia I get when I come across old sites. A little while ago I was looking through old dolling sites and clicking through buttons to go to other sites. I came across a few working sites, like 'Fainelloth Dolls.' The webmaster mentioned school and work keeping her busy and that she hoped to update at least once a month. The site was last updated in 2009. So many of these sites are updated and then seemingly never dealt with again. It's like visiting a ghost town, everyone seems to have just upped and left. On the contrary, many of the sites' tagboxes/cboxes are visited by people coming to express their nostalgia or saudade for the site owner. One message in particular caught my eye. "I just wanted to say that I miss you and I hope that you are doing well wherever you are. I have admired your work for about 12 years now. I wish I'd been brave enough to speak then." Written by someone who revisited this person's site nearly 10 years after the last update. I often wonder where the site owners go when they stop working on their sites. Some burn out, some lose interest. Yet they leave the site up like a museum for visitors to come by and look at their works. What becomes of them? What kinds of things do they like to do now? Another interesting site I found, the webmaster's last update was 2013.
12:46 am Okay, well I can see exactly where my state of mind is going. I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do about it. I could try and think about the positives? WHAT POSITIVES??? Oh yeah, I'm just trapping myself inside my room for a large portion of the day latching onto Neocities for hours because I have nothing else to do and my inner voice is very loud and annoying and telling me I'm not capable of making decisions and sticking with them, and that I'm not really good at anything. VERY POSITIVE. YES. I guess I should appreciate the fact that I have a loud inner voice questioning my every decision and making me feel like shite :D Because it's very nice. Why do I sound so aggressive?? I want to yell right now but it's almost 1 in the morning and I'm angrily typing at my laptop with beads of tears forming in my eyeballs. But not because I'm mad, because I've spent days looking at my laptop working on my site and not getting enough sleep and sometimes getting too much sleep. This was a very aggressive post I'm just going to get up and go to bed because if I don't do it right now I'll end up spending more time on my site. It's fine. I'll be back in a few hours anyway writing in a way that makes it sound like I have a mask on my face. Because for some reason I can't convey a vast array emotions in somewhere that is supposed to be a diary. I'm sorry if my lack of grammar makes someone want to punch something
12:26 am I was doing fine until the indecision came back. And now I'm once again unsatisfied and want to change up the whole look of my site. I should've known I wouldn't last long. Well, this was one of my main issues since I started revamping. My site does look nice, but it's far too polished. I was aiming for an 'old web' look, and also to include Danganronpa as the main aesthetic. Looks like I'll stick with a one sidebar layout for the next revamp. It's a shame, it took me a long time to redo the site and now I'm willing to wreck all my progress because I can't stick with one thing.
I HATE IT IN HERE
7:34 pm Update on the Firefox situation: I caved. It was just too slow and I missed how fast Chrome loaded, so I went back lol.
3:05 pm I installed Firefox today, got tired of Chrome reloading my pages. It's a lot slower than Chrome but it's more comfortable for me, I think I'll get used to it soon enough.
10:28 pm Surprisingly I stayed wide awake all day long and even made major progress on the site. I've just about finished the layout for the blog, it's something I'm quite proud of. I feel like less of an impostor since I came up with the 'nestling' div element for each post. Mom's alarm is going to ring in exactly one minute. I chose the most inopportune time to write a post. Now it's ringing.
11:55 am I'm not exhausted yet surprisingly. I made a few coding/art pages loosely related to Lain, though I'm not sure what direction I want to go with them. The 'enter' page is quite pretty. I might end up making it my index page eventually. But it's much darker in theme than the rest of my site. Maybe it's better off just being a side collective on here. I really need to stop procrastinating with updating page layouts and finally working on my resource page. It's been way too long since I even put any links on the page, and today's progress made it clear to me that I was just being extremely lazy this whole time.
am Good morning. I pulled an all-nighter last night. No
particular reason, other than the fact that I couldn't fall asleep. Spent
the whole night coding and looking for new graphics. I downed a cup of
coffee a few minutes ago (mistake). Will probably fall asleep later.
Earlier, I was thinking about how many well-written people there are on
here. Eloquence is something that used to come naturally to me. I can form
intricate sentences in my mind but the minute I put my finger on the
keyboard it's like all my thoughts and ideas are just vacuum suctioned
into the four corners of the interwebs.
5:07 am I felt excited to be working on my site, updating my layouts. I should've known the feeling wouldn't last very long. Suddenly my mind keeps asking 'what happens when you finish updating? What then?' I don't want to think about something that hasn't happened yet. But I keep trying to force myself into thinking that suddenly when I finish adding all the new sparkly things I've been wanting to add Neocities will lose all its glamour. I don't want that to happen. This makes me happy. Why should it have to end?
7:12 pm i was gonna binge some anime this weekend but i ended up starting four new mangas and finishing one. my favorite one so far is 'Welcome to the Demon School! Iruma-kun,' i've only read one chapter but it's hilarious. i finished 'Danganronpa Gaiden: Killer Killer' in one sitting at 3 in the morning, it was a cool side story. i'm thinking i should make a manga page to display the mangas i've read so far. that would require me to stop being lazy though.. meh. in a little bit i'll start another manga called 'Kuzumi, Can't You Read the Atmosphere?'
am it's getting colder, guess who's coming back to
neocities! technically i never left but i never got significant work done
on here, at least i don't think so. for some reason being on here is the
main way i stay sane and happy during the wintertime. it gives me a bubbly
feeling when i click 'save' and view the end product. it's kind of like
showing your parents your cool artwork as a little kid. except i'm both
proud and embarassed about my handiwork.
also, so much for consistency, May me. I just type that out and drop off the face of the earth for five months. also also, why are my previous posts so happy sounding? nothing wrong with that, but it's like i was smiling during all of my posts. i can't remember if i was sounding optimistic on purpose or i was actually excited.
am Back again with another post. I did say I would be
consistent but somehow two weeks went by?? That's how 2019 went by, and
before you know it we'll be at the end of 2020. Isn't that crazy?
I feel super burnt out but I'm pushing through. I don't really know what I want to do anymore. I hope I can get past this and become more productive.
12:57 pm Another diary entry! I'm playing some more Style Boutique, it's been a long while! For some reason my previous save wouldn't open so I had to start over, luckily I hadn't gotten that far into it. I'm gonna try to hack into my New Leaf save so I can edit my town :)
1:12 pm Figured it out, I was a little stumped on how to do it but I found the 'garden.dat' file in the Citra folder and uploaded it to the save editor. (I sound so nerdy, but I have no regrets!)
1:10 pm Great news!! I got ACNL (Animal Crossing: New Leaf) on the 3DS emulator!! I was getting tired of seeing trailers for New Horizons because I don't have a Switch, so I decided to finally figure out how to decrypt the .3DS file. I named my town Kokki (for no particular reason, I was just inspired by the word 'Hokko' from Hokko Life. I'm still figuring out the controls because it's different on a computer. I still haven't figured out how to catch insects or pick fruits.. But I'll get it eventually!
1:33 pm I figured it out! 'A' to shake trees and 'X' to pick the fruits up. It's hard to get used to though ^^ Sean broke my headphones which I JUST got.. One earpiece is not working anymore. This is probably my fourth pair now. I've already told him not to touch my stuff and he still does it!!
3:21 pm Today is really warm, the weather forecast says it's 56 degrees Fahrenheit. I went to the backyard today with just a tank top and sweatpants, it was a little chilly but not bad :) Sorry for the short entry, Angel is calling me to cut vegetables ughhh
5:00 pm I'm trying to be more consistent with my posts on here, so definitely expect more from me (maybe). I've done a LOT of updating on my site and I'm really proud of what I've done so far. Today I got Animal Crossing: Wild World on my NDS emulator! It was difficult to start since I had to figure out the controls, that took me 10 minutes or so. I named my town 'Kawaland' since I couldn't come up with anything better lol. I also did more Ace Attorney today but my phone died as I was playing... I didn't get to save my progress :'(
Hello again! I'm pretty sure
no one's read this stuff yet, and most of my page views are just me
obsessively checking out my website each time I save my coding work lol.
It's been getting warmer but it's still pretty chilly, I'm wearing a long
sleeve, some sweatpants and fur slippers. When will it get warmer?? I hope
it happens soon. I keep listening to 'The New Non Non Byori Groove' (don't
judge me, the song is super cute!) Oh, and yesterday I got Style Boutique
3 on my 3DS emulator! I haven't played much but it's a fun game. I've also
been playing Ace Attorney, I started a day or two ago and I'm near the end
of Chapter 2 (The Turnabout Sisters). All I have to say is, outdated
autopsy report LMAO.
2:50 pm I turned my laptop on to write this post but it's at 1%, oops.. Angel said she'd buy another charger soon, hopefully this one won't break :\ I forgot to mention but I tried to get Animal Crossing: New Leaf but since I'm new to emulators I couldn't figure out how to decrypt it. So I guess meeting all the animals will have to wait.. I just had mac and cheese and I feel really nauseous ugghh :(
Another entry! Things have been kind of stagnant lately, and my laptop charger broke so I couldn't work on my blog. Apparently it snowed this morning, which is a bummer because I've been looking forward to warmer weather. I've been listening to 'Chamber of Reflection' on repeat since earlier this morning and I'm thinking of making a playlist page on here. I have a weird music taste, there's a little bit citypop, 90s R&B, vocaloid, bedroom pop, and Nigerian house on my phone's playlist XD
First diary entry! Something to be happy about :) It's been raining for a while now. It's pretty boring being inside all day but what can I do? It's not a good time to go outside. It almost feels like the apocalypse, because it's like a ghost town outside. Of course, every now and then I'll see some cars outside or some people walking around, but it's definitely less than before. Everybody's cooped up inside their homes for the most part because of the coronavirus outbreak.